Dec 8th, 2014
"If these are my darkest days in 10 years I'm not doing so bad"
Dec 10th, 2014
"Today is my first video journalist shift and needless to say I'm really quite nervous. My plan is to own it, rock it and master this skill."
January 8th, 2015
"2015 is my year where great things will happen"
April 16th, 2015
"I just want a miracle to turn this around and get me out of this headspace. How did my confidence slide so massively. I just can't stand feeling so inadequate."
June 25th, 2015
"I just want to feel that true life satisfaction again."
Sept 9, 2015
"I'm just struggling to find my sense of good enough.
October 2, 2015
"Potential life changing moments ahead"
October 29, 2015
"Moving to Vancouver"
Welcome to the world of the self motivated perfectionist go getter. I've prided myself in living a life of optimism. The reality is we are all vulnerable to a break in our mental health. Above are excerpts from my real life 2014-2015 hot mess of a year journal.
The Backgrounder On the exterior everything was swell and dandy. I had a husband that literally made me laugh every single day. (By far the best quality when sharing a life with another human) I had a core group of friends that somehow held together a strong bond and relationship since high school. A lovely home that was freshly renovated and even with inconsistent shifts was able to afford without struggle. (Side note of advice...when making a big purchase in life always make sure its something you can pay for even when life decides not to go how you planned. Saves a lot of stress...trust me) All in all on paper life was going really well for someone in their mid twenties. However I was ridden with anxiety and suffered my first panic attack.
Let me tell you if you've never had a panic attack...You literally feel like you're dying. I woke up in the middle of the night and was convinced I was having a heart attack. Like literally convinced. I was covered in sweat. I immediately felt ill, but couldn't physically move myself to the bathroom. My husband actually had to carry me outside to get some fresh air. The whole episode in hindsight felt irrational and embarrassing to be honest. However, I do know its nothing to be embarrassed of. It actually brought me a lot of clarity that I needed to start looking after my mind and wellbeing.
The Root of The Matter So with seemingly everything okay in my life at the time...what the heck was my problem?! Ambition and goals. Whoa whoa whoa...those are good qualities right? Well the issue was not just having them, but the impatience of not having everything I was striving for YET. I was pushing and pushing. Things weren't going my way. Every time they didn't, for the first time in my life I let that reflect in my self worth and ultimately fester a lack of confidence I had never known. I honestly wonder if other dreamers and go getters have ever gone through this level of self doubt.
The Turn Around Even during my really crummy blah days I still always left little words of encouragement in my journal to get myself out of the funk. I was trying to find that optimist that I knew was really me. I knew what I had to do and that it was only up to me to infuse positive changes in my life. So I slapped a smile on even when I didn't feel like it and hustled. I knew that I was itching for change. The saying is that change is the spice of life and I couldn't agree with that more. Assuming we get one crack at this whole life thing there was no way I was going to have some boring meaningless chapters in it. So I pursued a position at work that involved me leaving everything I knew. In a three week span of time my husband and I narrowed our stuff to 8 totes, rented out our house, found a place to rent in Vancouver that was dog friendly (insert miracle here) and flew 3364kms across Canada.
Gratitude Every single day I reflect on what I'm grateful for. Even the simple joys like having a restful sleep that didn't involve my 50lb freelance bulldog stealing all the covers. Since moving to Vancouver another level joy has awakened in me. I love my job as a video journalist for The Weather Network. I never have two work days that look the same. I live in a world of constant change and it makes me feel alive. I'm glad I had such an inner mental battle because it has helped me understand so much about myself and now I can grow even stronger.
Dreams are for Doing So now that I have this new mental clarity I'm finally focusing. My New Years resolution was to pursue my passion without procrastination. This is it. Vann in Vancity is what has evolved out of the blog I said I would start 8 years ago when I worked on cruise ships. 5 years ago when I got married in Punta Cana and wanted to start writing about destination weddings. 2 years ago when I started becoming a gym regular and wanted to share my love of fitness. 1 year ago when I got really obsessed with fitness and was traveling frequently for my dream job. The procrastination has officially ended...
Vann In Vancity So what can you expect from me? Travel Adventure Fitness Fun A Life Unleashed...